Wednesday, August 31, 2005
ah ma just passed away, he just can't simply give us a break, can't he? still throwing his weight around while everyone is still grieving for ah ma. his apathy is something i can't tolerate.
came back home on thursday after receiving the news, was grieving still for ah ma. the first thing he told me, "it's ok lah. people age and die. it's ok one." the way he said, sound easy. well, it's not his mother who passed away duh. he obviously doesn't realise how important ah ma was to me to my mother and my siblings. she's the woman who cared for us since we were a baby till preadolescence. she doted on us, fed us, clothe us while he was away in aust, china working. doesn't he appreciate what ah ma had done? i don't see what the fuck his mother had done for us. all i know was that she did nothing good, she drove people mad, made couples quarrel with her defamations.
Defamation she speaks,
Helpless she acts,
Frail as she is,
But her heart is black.
Relentlessly spouting
Her words of poison.
Killing those around
With much ill intent.
I'd love to hate her
And hate to love her.
She knows no love
So it doesn't matter.
i wrote this long time ago. this poem is dedicated to my paternal grandma, for all the wrongdoings she caused. if there is one mistake that my ah ma had made, i think it would be to let my mum marry my father. as a result that my birth is also a mistake. many times i wonder why i was bornt to witness and go through all these shit. i'm feeling really bitter now. it's so unfair. my ah ma whom i so loved had left us. for my paternal grandma, despite all the harm she had caused, she's still hale and hearty, pretty much alive. i can't wait for the day that his mother die and i could say that same nonchalant things he told me. that is some vile words i just said but those are the words i had been wanting to say for a long time.
kor and mummy just left for ah ma's place. so i waited for him so we can go to ah ma's house together. then, he started talking to me about his mother's high blood pressure. need to look after her and stuff. shit, that was the last thing i wanna hear after ah ma pass away. so now after ah ma pass away, you're starting to worry about your mother huh. stupid shit, what makes you think i'd look after her? i can't wait for her to go. 89 yrs old already, 89 yrs of torment she had inflicted on people around her. that's enough!
after lunch, i waited for him while he was doing some stuff on his computer. after that, he went to sleep. fucking shit, i wanted to see ah ma as soon as i could! and there he was sleeping!!! that was blatant apathy!!! NVM!!! i shall go there myself! i managed to see my ah ma before the undertakers sealed the coffin. although i'm an atheist, i joined in the prayer. my father arrived 4 hours after i did. if i had waited for him, i won't be seeing my ah ma for the last time.
during the whole 5 days of the wake, i didn't go home for 3 days. reason being i want to be with my cousins, uncles, aunties and not to stay at home to see my father.
on monday, my ah ma's funeral, papa sat beside me during the journey to the crematorium. i didn't talk to him throughout the journey, was just too distraught.
everyone watched as the coffin got pushed into cremation chamber. my father was standing beside me. the viewing hall was filled with such palpable melancholy. ah ma was going to be no more. i couldn't control my tears. my father, who was beside me, was crying too. i was surprised. i wasn't sure he was crying because of my ah ma, or because he thought about his own mother. i was hoping that he finally empathise with us and stop making our lives miserable.
some false hope that was. one day after the funeral, just yesterday, he was scolding my sister over a minor thing. "the other one giving me stress already, now you also giving me stress." stress, they are sometimes self-induced. that was what i think for his case. stop blaming us for it! scold until my sister cried. oh please, spare her. spare everyone who is still grieving for ah ma.
Juv[8:42 AM]
Friday, August 26, 2005
why does it feel like she is still around?
saw her yesterday, i thought i saw her chest was still heaving and her mouth was moving but i knew she did not.
i felt pretty ok today. it felt like she was still living among us but i knew she was not.
just now, i looked at the photos we took with her. photos taken way back before i was bornt and photos taken 1 month ago. it felt like she was still around.
not until when i see the coffin that i realised that what i felt all those while were not true. i know she's gone, but i still can't believe it.
Juv[11:51 PM]
Thursday, August 25, 2005
before my tutorial, i received sms from my brother. he wanted me back home asap. mummy broke down. i got the hint that our beloved ah ma just left us. so i went back home immediately. tried really hard to hold back my tears just now, but those tears kept welling in my eyes on my way back home. i've to accept the fact that she's gone.
She'd be greatly missed by her children and grandchildren. Almost all of my maternal cousins were taken care of by her when young. We definitely respect her. In our memory, she'll always be our dear doting ah ma. I'm going to miss her calling me dua leng and her laughter.
Ah ma, thank you for taking care of us and giving us a memorable childhood. we love you always. rest in peace.
Juv[12:11 PM]
You clouded me in darkness
To be veiled from light.
You brought me into this world
To be out of it.
You are the poignant event
That strikes pain in me.
You are the one being
That i so loathe to see.
Juv[12:56 AM]
Monday, August 22, 2005
Fraught with apprehension, I trod the path to her house. I longed to see her, but was afraid to do so too for i did not know what to expect. From what i heard from my mother, things weren't sounding too optimistic. She has not eaten for 2 weeks. I was not sure how i'd react to what i see.
the gate was opened as always. my uncle was sitting on the sofa, oblivious to my presence till i called out to him. i entered the room. saw my grandma lying on the bed. for a few second, i couldn't believe it was her - a gaunt figure lying there, her eyes and cheeks sunken in, eyelids half opened except for the blind eye. just a few weeks back, she was sitting up and laughing at my silly jokes. she would laugh at the slightest thing i do. well, it's my duty to entertain her, to keep her happy for all the while she had taken care of me.
however now, every breathe she takes seem excruciating. she can't laugh or even speak. i wish i can ease her pain with my silly jokes again. but i doubt she can see me too. it pains me to see her in such sorry state. i can't help but cry. i held her scrawny hand and said dua leng is here. yeah that's what she calls me. nobody else calls me dua leng. hope she heard me. i want her to know that i was there. i don't know what else to say, i just teared. i felt so useless, all i know was to cry. everytime i look at her, i can feel her pain. how could i make her feel better?
back at home, i reminisced about the times at my grandma's place. she took care of my siblings and i. i was grateful for her putting up with us. we were difficult to handle back then, always running around the block without informing her and ah gong. some funny thing i liked to do - play with her flabby arms. but now she's just skin and bone. and she'd sometimes freak me out by removing her prosthetic eyeball, but it intrigued me. when i was bored, i'd asked her to perform that little trick for me. yeah it sounds crazy.
before lessons begin, she'd bring me to the hawker centre to have my tea, half-boiled egg and kaya toast. there, she'd be chatting with other ah soh. then on the way to nursery, i'd bug her to buy me sweets and that chocolate with the toy in it. she yielded to my incessant request. my dear ah ma, she is so benign. i never hear her shouting at any of us. she dotes on each and every of her grandchildren. she does not deserve to stay on this way. i hope your pain will go away soon.
Juv[1:21 PM]
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Juv[1:22 AM]
Friday, August 19, 2005
it has been a week since i last typed a proper entry. but it feels like eons. i think it's because of so many happenings during the past week - agm, turning 18, slipknot concert, the projects, quizzes and all.
the agm went smoothly, commence on time. joanne's speech was flawless, beautifully delivered. i was so moved. a tear almost well up in my eye. i held back it though. yes, we are a family of once strangers. i'm so going to miss the ex committee members.
After agm, we celebrated joanne, roy, alan and my birthday. yeppie. had presents and delicious cakes.
i'd like to thank the studies club for celebrating my birthday. thank you guys for all the presents and cakes. for once in a very long time, my birthday feels like a birthday to me. i'm finally 18, a threshold to some prerogative. i can now learn driving, club legally, buy cigarettes and liquor from 7-11, watch m18 movie, get married (if any guy wants me). i can't wait to flash my ID to
show that i'm 18.
afterward, went to one of the pub in serangoon garden with eugene, fad the mat and sissy j. when we were there, roy was already half-gone. lynn was also there. haha. damn funny. he was very flushed and the liquor had somehow impaired his hearing. he was talking loudly and saying, huh? huh? huh?. haha. it was a comical sight.
brian later joined us. too bad, roy really couldn't make it. he had to be sent back. brian treated me to death drop. shiok ah. got pretty tipsy after that. didn't retch. went back home in taxi.
that's me turning 18!
4 days later - slipknot concert!!!! had been looking forward to it. went with brian, met dev and victor there. didn't manage to see shai, he was at the $100 area. before the performance start, some people pushed down the barricade to the $100 free standing area. lol. awww.... too bad for those who paid more when they don't have too.
it was a time when i put sch work and all things else off my mind. it was a good work out. jumping, moshing, head banging. right now, my neck, leg muscles seem to be toner.
frankly speaking, even i've been to many gigs. this was my first time moshing. i pushed people but it was i who fall back instead. at one point, i fell. lousy right. then another time, i knocked into someone holding baron beer, so the beer spilled onto my head. lol. brian got beer on his hoodie. lol. that the thing with short people.
at one point, all of us squat down. i looked back, and there was probably like thousand over people squatting down too. when corey growl 'jump the fuck up'. everybody jumped and began moshing.
so... i survived the slipknot concert. woo hoo. i thought i was going to pass out or something before the whole thing end. taller people like brian can breathe oxygen amidst the crowd, but shorties like me breathe, carbon dioxide and methane from farts and vaporised sweat.
slipknot said they'll be back. they swore to god. well, they better do because i'll be there.
after the concert, couldn't sleep. so it was back to work.
i'm so glad that my group had finished the report. csas 3 was a killer. i'm so relieved that it's over. yeppie.
exams is in 2 weeks time. sucks....
Juv[11:46 PM]
Monday, August 15, 2005
i'm so fucking pissed. when i do my work, i fall asleep. wanna slap myself man.
have f path quizz today,
tue- AIMM quiz and deadline for AIMM lab report and slipknot concert.
wed - biochem lab quiz,
thurdays - need to hand in 20 sketches while i've only done 3, and also the big A1 drawing and figure drawing.
friday - mgen quiz and dateline for formal report. and my group somehow always says that it's easy to do. but i somehow think our report is not intact but pretty messy now.
how i wish i don't need to sleep? buy time from my sleep and use it to do my stuff.
i guess i shouldn't sleep for the next few nights.
Juv[9:44 AM]
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Music Video Codes By VideoCodeZone
My favourite band that is, and they're from italy. don't you have to agree that the female vocalist is hot? she was voted the best female rock vocalist. cool huh? she's pretty and has a nice voice. i really like her voice.
what's her name u ask? she's cristina scabbia.
Heaven's a Lie is one of my fav song. hope to jam this with my band.
Juv[9:27 PM]
i just updated my blog
Juv[6:44 PM]
Friday, August 05, 2005
i'm at brian's house. was drinking and smoking at the void deck just now. singing, playing ping pong ping pong with brian like two big kids. and also not forgetting puking. all my $1.80 spagetti ended up mixed with gin, sprite, red bull and water, then on to the floor. that was my lunch and dinner man. feeling freaky hungry. fadhli also puke... lol. stumbling across the floor and throwing up like a fountain.
i can't go home in my previous state boy. think it was worse than the time at debo's house. so staying over at brian's.
after waking up from my little nap, i can't fucking sleep now. bleagh. fadhli too, he's behind like as usual behaving like a retard, can't sleep. lol.
i'm damn hungry, help!!! retard fad is still behind me, hungry too. shit, i don't know what to do now.
just hungry hungry, so hungry that i can eat fad. he looks delicious.
should stop ranting now, it's wasting me. byez
Juv[3:10 AM]
Thursday, August 04, 2005
went jamming with the other band. as usual, those 3 guys were late. dev booked the studio from 8.30 to 9.30. shai was supposed to pick victor, our new keyboardist and i from lavender at 8. but they arrived at 8.40. best. lol. shai had work, that's why. so no choice, we had to book another studio.
the studio we went is called beat merchant. it's really weird you know. you have to remove your shoes before entering it. it's like we're entering a japanese home or something. the studio was very spaceous and the equipments were in pretty good shape. no cracked cymbals like those in boons. we were just missing one keyboard rack.
it's the 2nd time we were jamming with our new keyboardist and the first time jamming with double pedal. with the keyboard and double pedal, the songs sounded so much different and better. i watched shai drum. though the songs requires fast and steady hands, he ensconced himself on the stool and plays with much ease. damn pro. haha, i don't know why. he always has this smile while drumming. or maybe he always has this cheeky smile, drumming or not.
for the first time, we jammed swamped without any cock up. jammed another new song, nymphetamine by cradle of filth. one of my favourite songs of all time. haven't grew tired of it since last year. singing it was definitely enjoyable. i sang liv kristine part and dev was squealing dani's part with a sore throat. cannot make it. it's difficult for him. so nvm, 2nd time. i did dani's part for dev. dev told me to sing it normally, but i tried to squeal. lol. my throat hurt like shit after that song. i wonder how the hell the arch enemy vocalist growl sia. superwomen sey. then shai started whacking some beat on the drum. ah... arch enemy - enemy within. dev accompanied the beat with his bass. the rest just watched. victor suddenly came forward and growling into the mic. lol.
then they started playing slipknot's duality. victor continued to sing and growl. i got nothing to do. so i picked up one guitar and followed how anad strum. can't really catch it, so anyhow strum. lol. all these are just impromptu actions.
after jamming, we didn't go makan like we used to. went home straight. had essay to write, quiz to study, drawings to draw. did my essay halfway through only. leave the rest for tmw man. sian. turning in now. i'm off. zzZZzzzZZzz......
Juv[2:56 AM]
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
when situations go wrong? does it always has to be somebody's fault? it seems to be the case for you. you look for someone to blame on and that someone is never you. even for a minor blunder, you make a big fucking fuss out of it. you chide and chide, pushing all the blames on others, absolving youself from it. you always want to be the winner. on the surface, you seem to be, you think to be, but in every other people's eyes, you are a big time loser. if you want to be a genuine winner, you should earn that respect from others and in their eyes, they should behold a winner too.
you called her a pighead when you seemed to be so sure of yourself but in fact you're not. she was in the right actually. you give wrong directions yet you called her pighead!!! if she's a pighead, i'd rather respect a pighead than respect a wuss like you. honestly speaking from my heart, i do respect her more than you. i love her more than i love you. you're too proud to put your head down and admit your mistake, so proud to extent of degrading others to hone your superiority. that's something that disgust me. when she told me that incident, i felt bloody ashamed of you, a misogynist!
even when the fault is yours, people kindly explain to you. you rebut, push the responsiblity. i'm tired of trying to reason things out with a unreasonable man like you. though i don't try to reason with you anymore, it doesn't mean that i admit to be in the wrong. in fact, i'm sniggering at you disdainfully. can't understand why that smile when you scold me? i was sniggering at you!!!
it's all futile despite our effort to speak reasonably with you anyway. you always avoid the real issues. so why talk? tired talking to you before, guess it was the wrong time, you were flushed and weren't clear in the mind. still, it's same old defensive manner in which you spoke. you're a wuss, unable to face the problem.
now that things are screwed up, you lament and lament. so you are never at fault for this situation huh? you're always saying, "why are you like that?", "why is she like that?". have you ever question yourself on what you've done wrong? come on, everyone's at fault, i think i'm at fault too. all these issues could be dissolved if you put your pride aside and come face to face with your mistakes. if you are a true man, admit you're wrong. everybody makes mistakes. everybody certainly do not want this to go on and on.
Juv[9:08 AM]