Thursday, November 01, 2007
i've been reading a lot of about fatal road traffic accidents involving motorcycles. i even rode past an accident scene which put me off riding for 2 days. the rider was lying in a pool of blood and gasping. unfortunately, he passed on afterwards. My mum reads the newspaper and has been telling me about them. I know she's worried but I love zipping around on my vespa. I don't want her to worry about me but how not to worry.
Juv[2:23 AM]
Saturday, September 29, 2007
for the previous post, i forgot to add that i have a new family member. I smuggled him from my attachment place. He's a blind guinea pig named DareDevil. cute little fellow.
the owner of the missing dog want to seek compensation from us. i'm upset, stressed etc etc. they think my carelessness is due to prejudice towards strays which is totally not true. the guilt is killing me and i can't type anymore to explain in details. ciao
Juv[2:40 AM]
Friday, September 21, 2007
it has been almost a year since i last posted my blog entry. some how, at the back of my head, something has been tugging at my fingers to type something. so much has happened in the past one year. there must be some sort of outlet for it, i guess. and so this is the rebirth of my blog. ok some flash back to the past one year of my life.
1. i last stopped at my frustration with my parents. still frustrated now.
2. i was staying with my aunt until end of the year and during which i was told some shocking things i never knew. and it is really a burden to carry a secret that you can't tell others. telling it is wrong, not telling it is also wrong. shit.
3. i enrolled for class 2B lessons at CDC. Got bruises and body aches but it's worth it.
4. i was posted to NUS Animal Holding Unit. had my ups and downs during attachment. got a warning letter an offence. otherwise all turned out well. got to know many great people there whom i still keep in touch now.
5. in feb, i found a job, as a vet assistant, bookkeeper, personal assistant etc, not exactly what i wished for but it's close to what i want to do. but overall, i learn a lot.
6. then it's work work work work and saving hard for my vespa
7. pass my traffic police test on 7 june. I can officially ride!!
8. Aug - Baybeats was not bad. the previous years were better i think
9. bought my scooter and collected it on my birthday on the 12th Aug.
10. didn't celebrate my birthday with anyone except my colleagues. plans were made and then cancelled. disappointing. but mum bought me a strawberry cheesecake as usual. i love that woman.
11. on 14th aug, i got into a minor accident. i hit a car's bumper. and the driver happens to stay on my block. he advised me not to ride again.
12. on 16th aug, i was walking a stray dog that was hospitalised in my clinic after getting knocked by car. she slipped off the choker chain and ran away. managed to get close to it and tried to throw a lasso loop around her neck but got bitten by her. haven't been able to catch her.
13. is turning 20 a curse????
14. funeral for a friend gig was the bomb!
15. Jeff was castrated and at the same time had his teeth cleaned.
16. i really love my vespa.
Juv[12:50 PM]
Sunday, September 24, 2006
i'm at my wits' end. i've given my views and advices. all i have to give now is my life. if my death is a wake up call to both of you, i don't mind being dead. for someone with an uncertain future, it doesn't matter. this is to show how much your problems have affected me, how tired i am living all these shit. what for hacking the furniture? u can hack me to death, go to jail, and peace to the rest.
your actions are disdainful. i can't stand them. the way u shout and scream and push a woman.
i don't know what the church taught you. it seems to me that they taught you to leave everything to god and avoid the problem. this avoidance has done nothing good. the problem still exist and you sought comfort in prayers. where do we seek comfort from? only from a happy family and home that is unfortunately disrupted by that existing problem. i wonder, is religion made up by humans to find answers to questions they can't answer? to seek reassurance in problems they can't resolve? humans sure know how to pacify themselves with their imagination.
Juv[4:15 PM]
Saturday, September 16, 2006
feeling really troubled now. my friends at the other department had to cull 31 mice yesterday. why? because there is no demand for it. i was with my colleague when she was clearing the bodies of 3 young rabbits in the culling box. why was it culled? because the rabbits were not removed from the cages and the dirty cage was pushed into the dirty wash area. once that happens, the animals are deemed unusable so it will be culled. They are dead because of human error, i find this not justifiable. Make them reproduce so many babies, when there is not need for them, cull them. we are not talking about manufacturing good, we are talking about lives now.
my two other colleagues are animal lovers as well. they told me to view at all these in another perspective. these animals are sacrificed for the better of mankind, to find cures for diseases. ok fine, how about those who died for nothing, not having contributed anything but died because humans did wrong? having emotional turmoil and moral conflicts within. i thought i do not have to cull. damn it. i'm fooled.
Juv[11:30 AM]
Thursday, September 07, 2006
i'm posting to NUS animal husbandry unit. haiyah, apart from husbandry, anaesthetic, absl level 2 training, it still requires me to perform blood collection. what the fuck lah. i don't want to kill!!! damn it!!!
Some don't drink or eat pork because they are Muslims. some don't eat beef because they are Buddhists. i don't do animal testing because i'm an ...... animal rights advocate??? hmmm... that seems to be a bit too extreme of a title but you know what i mean. i find it so hard to explain why i don't want to be placed in a research lab.
when people ask me why i don't eat meat, is it because of religion, health, intolerance? nay, it is due to ethical and moral reasons. when i see my dog, i disdain the killing and suffering of animals to satisfy my tastebuds. then they'll tell me, even if you don't eat meat, other people still do. so why stop? if i said it is because of religion, i doubt they'll ask this. religion- sensitive issue, if u doubt a religion, u doubt its followers as well. doubt me as an individual, seems ok? Nay! the thing is i don't have a religion to explain my reservations, that's why i explain the long way with moral reasons. different religions preach their own sets of values. behind the customs of any religion definitely is based on moral reason. my reasons for not eating meat is quite the same as in Buddhist. question me about my vegetarism is tantamount to questioning Buddhism.
answer to that question. common sense lah. i know it makes a little difference, who know my abstinence from meat in my life time could have saved a few chickens. the sight of animals being killed inhumanely appals me, do you expect me to continue eating meat with a conscience that says this is all wrong? when the same question pops up again, the video below will save me a lot of explanation.
some of the reasons are a bit exaggerated, i think. just now, i read about the vegetarian celebrities, i was surprised to find out some of my idols are vegetarians. there is fiona apple, frank iero, wayne static, travis barker, serj frontman of system of a down, spiderman tobey macguire, brad pitt, jessica biel, nelly, avril lavigne etc. so many of them. Peace to the animals! haha
Juv[3:23 AM]
Friday, September 01, 2006
joakim is out. i don't keep up with singapore idol often but i know about the big hoo haa about him. he wasn't good enough while deserving contestants get eliminated. i always see my sister getting really angry with him, screaming and shouting when the result was revealed. i feel happy that he is out of the competition, not because he deserves it, but because it is a relief for him, i guess.
imagine receiving harsh criticism from judges every week and knowing someone else deserves that place better than you do, wouldn't you wish that you are out of the competition too? i thought this may be what he was thinking, "i've given my best, sorry i can't perform up to your standard. do i have a choice to be out of this competition? no, i can't help it that so many people are voting for me. if i continue to be on SI, more people will hate me. i can't step out because i don't want to disappoint my fans. please don't vote for me." sometimes, you can tell this from his face.
i read in newpaper about the glares he receives in public. poor thing. sometimes we forget that people we see on TV are humans too, and we vent our unsatisfaction on them. don't be angry at joakim, blame it on some viewers' poor judgement of talent. he is out, so i guess he won't have to withstand anymore harsh criticism and those scornful glares.
my brother and i wanted to go the IT show. i want to look for video camcorders and he wants a harddrive. we arrived at suntec, exhibition hall to notice no crowd. my brother said, "eh, is it level 5 or hall 5, is it suntec or expo?" knnccb! go smash your head lah, we made a futile trip. ate ben n jerrys, knnccb again! the 3 scoop bowl cost $12.50. it was $8.50 initially. bro went back home, i chose to stay at suntec to try the vegetarian lasagne at delifrace. was seriously cashless, so i headed to the atm next to delifrance. knnccb! one machine was spoilt, the other couldn't dispense cash. i walked for 30 min in search for another posb atm. got my money, head back to delifrance. then again knncch! they don't have vegetarian lasagne for the time being. wah i really feel like smashing my head. is heaven trying to tease me or what? my life is short, i have no time for jokes ok?! knnccb!
i need money for video camcorder and one way air ticket to florida, jacksonville. cheapest ticket will cost me US$962 for next year's flight. that's like $1000 plus sing dollars. gonna save like mad. why am i going there? because i'm running away and never coming back to this shithole!!!
just kidding. i'm going to attend dana's wedding and then... maybe stay there for a while? visit disneyland? work for a few months? i don't know. i research about the employment regulation there. i don't understand the law language, they are not in simple sentences, so perplex to understand. i wish to see the world, not as a tourist but as a person living there.
Juv[2:24 AM]
Monday, August 28, 2006
it's over, my last paper in polytechnic, if i don't take supp. got lots of time now to do whatever i want. got my materials to make the naruto sandals long ago but didn't spend anytime making it. now it's the chance!
haiyah, i'm still fretting over my sip posting. i got to talk to dr diana chan but i never seem to be able to reach her. how? how? how?
mum is still sick. she has been down with sinusitis for 2 weeks already. i must have passed her my germs through the orange juice we shared in JB. i only had it for a few days, she had for 2 friggin weeks already. feel bad. thankfully, i call HSA not to used my blood for transfusion. if the blood i donated kills someone, i'll kill myself.
does the world have a problem with me? or do i have a problem with the world and its ppl? i'm tired enough, don't bullshit with me asking if i have a problem with you. i realise i'm a misanthrope who has a problem with everyone.
Juv[3:38 PM]
Sunday, August 27, 2006
if anyone of you come talk to me just to diss me off, FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!
Juv[6:53 PM]
Thursday, August 24, 2006
the sip posting is affecting me badly. nobody wants to swap with me. i tried to contact mr cheung but to no avail. i really wish he'll work out something. everytime i try to study, the sip thing is at the back of my head. fuck lah. i really need to study Rtech, i only attended around 5 out of the so many lectures, and misses tutorials. even after a semester, i'm quite clueless about this subject. i deserve it. got to wake up? but i chose not to wake up for morning lectures and tutorials. and now, i may have to take supp.
damn, i can't concentrate. i'm fucked, so fucked up. 3 years in TP to be attached to some where u never intend to work in future. i'm not interested in lab and research work and really looked forward to working in zoo or vet clinic etc for internship. i'm not sure if this is a possibility. if they put me in house, at least i don't have to do animal testing but it'll be a disappointment for me. i'm so bothered by this!!! why so suay?!
Juv[10:51 PM]
it took me a long time to sleep 2 nights ago as i was worrying away about my SIP posting. i was really worried that i'll be posted to somewhere doing something i dread - doing animal testing. even though i did not place research institute as any of my option, i knew there is a small chance i'll be doing that. instead of worrying about my upcoming papers, i was fretting over my sip posting. exam will be over in less than a week but sip, it's going to last for 4 months plus.
before the briefing, i had all these jitters, feeling so anxious as though on the brink of the panic attack. i needed some alcohol to calm me down, seriously. i drank some in the morning, pour some into my water bottle and brought it to school. this sounds crazy, i know. or maybe i'm really crazy! mind you i'm not an alcoholic. i don't know why, but i still felt anxious.
my biggest concern about sip is not about the allowance, working hours but is about having to do all these inhumane things to animals. i told my mum and friends about this. they assured me i'll get somewhere i like. what if the company really make me do this, how am i going to endure it for 4 friggin' months? all these what ifs were popping up in my head.
i attended the briefing with all these things in my minds, trying to assure myself that i'll be posted to somewhere i like. then the results of our postings were revealed. mine was paradigm theraputic pte ltd. it sounds like a research company. this relevation is one step away from my nightmare. i went to my lo dr yee mon, asked him about my job scope there. he said he'll tell me later and asked me to fill up the whatever forms. i want to know my job scopes really badly!!! that suspense was killing me! my other friends got to places like mount pleasant hospital, jurong bird park, fish farm and some other vet clinics. i seems like the only one who got that company. later i saw the form for my post. i am the only person attached there! i looked at the job description and saw the words, mouse colony!!! i'm fucked! so fucked up. my nightmare is a reality. i went off to the toilet to calm down first, then i tried to contact dr yee mon. couldn't get him! then i met tridansh, he asked about my posting and i just broke down.
people may think, what a loser to be crying over sip posting. try doing something against your conscience for 4 months. i'll go berserk! tridansh brought me to mr paul cheung, the sip coordinator. he told me that was a good place and that there are ex TP graduates there etc. i told him my issues. he assured me something can be worked out and asked me to concentrate on my exams. dr yee mon called me later asking what was the problem. he thought i seem ok handling all the animals. no, i'm not!!! deep inside i feel this guilt that is sinking me. do you expect me to cry and whimper during lab to show that i don't like what i'm doing? i admit i cry at night. i once dreamt of some people withdrawing blood from all over my body.
i didn't want to talk abt it at home but mum asked about it anyway. she said, "wah lao, why so 'qian' - right on the spot? *shakes her head* did u tell teacher you can't eat and sleep? there is only one posting doing this, really very qian. can don't do or not?" i don't do cannot graduate lor. she knows how i feel. my mental anguish only reveals itself at home not in school.
make me work long hours with no pay whatsoever, i don't care, just don't make me do animal testing. i can't stand the mouse shrieking in pain. i'll not be at rest for 4 months!!! Dr chan and mr jomer said we shouldn't complain. if i choose this job myself, i won't complain. but did not have a choice. if i were looking for a job, i wouldn't have chose this job anyway.
Juv[9:27 AM]
Monday, August 21, 2006
There is so much i didn't update on the past week. going to do this brief. ok, on my birthday, headed to JB with mum and brother for some shopping. it was the malaysia mega sale, saw clothes that i like but there wasn't any of my size. either it's too big or too small. argh. only manage to buy a pair of pants which i really like.
rushed back to singapore for a primary school class reunion. dana is back in singapore and this time with her boyfriend, matthew. met up with some of my primary school classmates and two of my teachers. haha. they're both married now and dana is enaged! caught the fireworks display near victoria concert hall later on. had supper. some of us went to sarah's home for mahjong. i learnt a little bit but i haven't grasped the whole thing yet. stayed there until next morning, took a cab home to pack my stuff for sailing. lol. xiong. immediately rushed to meet up with sarah and her twin sister teresa, dana and matthew. rents 3 boats and sailed for hours. the wind was really good and it kicked ass. i totally miss the sport.
after sailing, met up with fad, grace, deb, brian, josh and edwin for dinner at marche. we had fun. and josh was trying to imitate the waiters there. lol. the waiters there are pretty spooky, their hands reach out from nowhere to clear the empty plates on the tables. desert was at ben and jerry's. whoa.... yum yum yum.
it was a hectic and fun weekend. probably the best ever. then back to school. boo. had 4 practical test, i think i failed 2 of them. got bitten by the mouse many times. i just let it bite. and had to euthanise it later. don't feel good about it. tested on suturing, did it on banana skin this time. it is so much easier than on the real rat. stitched wrongly, did it the cross stitch way. haha. and there was the revision lectures and blah blah blah.
suppose to be studying now. having test tmw, haven't finished studying. i have no place to study. brother in his room doing assignment, my sister using the coffee table and watching tv, there were dishes of food on the dining table. argh. i've been sleeping the whole day so that i can have some privacy at night to study. it really sucks not to have a room and having a hard time finding a suitable place and time to study. for the past 4 years, i've been sleeping and studying in the living room. privacy is something i yearn for. i think the reason for me being nocturnal is because i only get privacy at night. i'm already 19 and not having her own space!!! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!!! i really feel like moving the fuck out of here. i really do. my mum doesn't mind if i stay with my aunt. i'm not sure how papa feels about this. it's like i'm abandoning this family or something.
i have a lot more to blabber about but i need to study now especially when i had missed 2 weeks of lectures. i'm also waiting for debarrment notice to be released. i think i'm in deep shit for skipping tutorials 3 times for rtech. but i haven't received any warning letters, i wonder if dr lim did mark me absent.
Juv[1:15 AM]
Saturday, August 12, 2006
attended annual general meeting just now. :'| I've stepped down as a quartermistress of ASC. Michael is continuing the legacy of the quartermistress. lol. looking at the powerpoint slides, the photos and all. a wave of nostalgia swept me. i didn't teared, was simply too stoned. i'll miss the times we toiled away for projects and stuff. oooo... and thanks for the cakes as well.
walked from TP to home. it was nice enjoying the night breeze. all these while my mum was trying to reach me!!! told her i'll be walking home with my friends. when i finally got home, she was still awake. she was worried about me as she couldn't contact me. oh my, i feel very bad. she bought the strawberry cheesecake for me and i made her worried by being uncontactable. something could have happened to me this late at night! she couldn't sleep because of me! apologized to her already. still feeling horrible though. why did i keep the phone at silent mode? ergh! so sorry mummy.
Juv[2:30 AM]
Thursday, August 10, 2006
i looked at all the different piles of papers around my computer desk and wonder just what the hell they are. Lecture notes? ASC stuff? Rough paper? stupid sketches? impt document? oh boy i don't know man. I'm pissed at the mess! I'm pissed at myself! I feel like burning everything so i don't have to study for exam because i burnt the lecture notes! Just burn all these burdens!!!
I'm invisible. An empty existence unbeknownst to some or something not worth noticing by some. Easily forgotten, easily substituted. If you want to said you forgot about me, just tell me!!! Stop all these excuses and assume that i this i that. I know I'm nothing. don't have to hide that from me. it is better to tell me straight than to beat around the bush. i have been disappointed so many times that i'm just inured to all these setbacks. it's not much difference for it to happen again. i'm numb... so numb that i'm indifferent to everything. am i anything to anybody? and YOU, do you even care?!!! it seems to me all you care is yourself. why are some people so willing to make sacrifices for others? fuck you!
reality is hard and hurtful that it numbs you like an anaesthetic does. too much pain for too long damages your nerve, until then, you can't even feel the pleasurable things. the sense of completeness erodes and slowly emptiness engulf.
if possible, put me into a perpetual sleep where I can live in my dreams. in my dreams, i'd exist in the utopia i imagine. my utopia will be a place i feel attachment to everything in it, and not be like an unnerving creature in reality, a place where i feel happiness, sadness and wrath, emotions that bring about completeness in my existence.
never mind if you don't understand my ranting. i'm typing all these because i want to dream of my utopia tonight. good night.
Juv[12:17 AM]
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
National day's eve, I've no school today. yay! Here i am at home with pa and ah poh, feeling really flustered. boo! I don't know why i always feel this way when pa at home and ma is not. i don't feel like replying when he talks to me. I feel anxious whenever he opens his mouth. eergh... yeah, i'm weird. come on, leave the house soon. i can't stand it anymore.
i want to go shopping really bad. my wardrobe is full but i don't wear most of the clothes there. i have so many over-sized shirts, from those given by my brother to free school shirts. and my pants... some of them kenna bleach stain. haiz... there are so many clothes that i don't wear out.
for the past few weeks, i went shopping alone. all the tops and pants look the same to me somehow. and if there is pants that i like, they're too tight for me. that is the worst thing, feeling claustrophobic in your clothes. happened to me once, when i wore this pants which i haven't wore for a long time to a wedding dinner. it was tight on my waist especially when i sat down. and we ate and ate. oh my, my heart was racing, my chest felt heavy, i couldn't stop fidgeting. it was a horrible feeling. i kept visiting the toilet to "relief" myself a little.
I opt for baggy jeans, but baggy jeans with ladies cutting is so rare. i tried out my brother's jeans. oh no, it looks wrong, it looks as if i have ****. everywhere i go, it's always the tight fitting jeans!!! if i have the skills, i'd rather make my own clothes.
Juv[1:47 PM]